“Conflict Women also encourages survivors to #speakout and #breakthesilence. Each piece of jewelry is sold with anonymous stories of rape, domestic violence or sexual violence from our #beautifulsurvivors. In October, 2016, we ran our first #
If you are a survivor and would like your story to be included, please contact us here.”
I used to dread waking up to my father’s litany of how his children and wife were useless burdens, how I would be an expert prostitute, how we all were bloodsucking leeches. This became the driving force for me to do all I could to become a person my future children would be proud of, to never have to live at the mercy of someone who would hurt me like that again.
At 16, with the stress of CXC exams, things at home were at an explosive point, it seemed as though even speaking or laughing would set him off. In our wooden house, my brothers and I became experts at near gliding quietly across the floorboards, anything not to draw his attention to us. The worst was when we had to ask for money for school… such a humiliating experience – we had to listen to him berate us good for nothings on wasting his money and time.
The number of times he attacked my mother increased. I felt I was going insane trying to focus on exams, and trying to ensure my mum was safe. After a particularly harrowing experience with him holding a blade to my mum’s throat, I joined a martial art class. The sense of empowerment I felt was unbelievable. And from there I fought back. I did what I could to pull all his weapons away. Of course when he noticed I was trying to stop his regular beatings of my mother, he forced her to get me to stop the classes. But it didn’t stop my brother and I from doing all we could to prevent him from hitting her. Most of the times we succeeded, but watching her cry when we failed left us helpless.
When I was 20, he lured her into the yard where he hid a cutlass in a flower bush and tried to chop her. However my brother and I heard her screams and flew outside to tackle him. Later that night, he told our neighbor his intent was to kill our family, and that he was already poisoning the water tank. I made the decision that it was time to get out, and we left.
A few years later, knowing my mother and brothers were safe, I decided to move on to try to get away from our painful past. I still carry the scars, but I do what I can to try to heal the wounds and remind myself I am a worthy person, who writes her own destiny. And so are you. Everyone can offer advice on what to do, but only YOU can act on it. Get out of that situation that is hurting you and robbing the world of your light. Be safe. Be free. Be happy.
I despised who I had become. He had alienated me from all those I loved. I was overwhelmed, without hope, and I finally hit bottom. I began to believe that “checking out” was best for everyone involved—the pain was agonizing, and eating away at my very soul. One night I took more than half a bottle of tranquilizers and drank all the liquor left. I collapsed in the floor in my son’s bedroom. My husband kicked me in the ribs and said, “You can lay there and die for all I care!” My son pleaded that he call an ambulance, and he finally did. The EMT’s rolled me out on the stretcher, in clear view of my children. We lived less than five miles from the local hospital and I coded three times during the trip. I was half-conscious when I overheard the doctor say, “She’s a lucky lady. If she hadn’t gotten sick and emptied her stomach, I don’t think she would have made it.”
I have been asked so many times why I stayed in the marriage. Why does a woman stay with an abuser? There is fear. What if I could not take proper care of my children? What if I wound up homeless, or had to turn to prostitution for income. Then there was fear of his paybacks.
I barely resemble the degraded, beaten down woman I once was. It took many hard roads for me to realize the simplicity of our value. It is all within, and up to us to bring it forth. There is hope!
If you are presently abused, or a struggling survivor, please, seek counselling. Find someone you can talk to confidentially, someone who can help you prepare a Safety Exit Plan and pack the proper Escape Bag. Find an available ministry or non-profit organization where you feel comfortable, or at the very least, find a woman who has been through it and made it safely to the other side. I know they are out there. I am one. Don’t give up! Don’t quit!”
I never felt free to explore friendships fully. This bondage poisoned my family relationships as they started to point out to me what they were seeing. I was so blind that I rejected my sister (my best friend) for even raising any critical comments. My Parents made attempts but I was lost. Looking back I can only imagine the countless tear-filled, prayer-filled nights and it breaks my heart to have broken theirs. I am thankful for reconciliation.
Once after looking through my mail he found deleted emails that were innocent. He slammed me against the wall, held onto my neck and squeezed. Though I didn’t suffer physical scars he hurt me emotionally! Another time he forcefully lifted me from his car and dragged me yelling for me to walk home. I had never heard so much swearing in my life this was far removed from the life I knew or what I had pictured for myself.
One night during the usual rage-filled profanity, he hit my head against the car window. In that moment I was so broken, this is what I had become – the fighting, loyal, supportive and encouraging door mat. After each negative encounter would come remorseful and convincing stories of just how much I meant and how sorry he was, sometimes with gifts and tears. Isn’t it so normal for us to say It wasn’t all bad, we had blissful days as well.
I finally found the courage to leave and have not regretted it. His was not the love I was meant to have for soul satisfaction but the salvation and acceptance I needed came from Jesus. After all that I had been through I needed help from my co-dependency, emotional scars, poor self-image and lack of faith and I appreciate the support of my family and Christian sisters for the growth I have experienced.
To those suffering from domestic violence, emotional abuse, please get help. You are not alone, you are loved and worthy of abundant life. Seek your saviour and don’t let anyone steal your voice. I wish I could hug you and tell you there is hope and your tears have not gone un-noticed! There is life and purpose beyond what you can imagine.
Know that you are full of worth. Your hidden tears will not go unnoticed, your pain of silence will become a song of triumph, your fear will be removed by your boldness, intimidation will no longer hold you prisoner, and the psychological battles which you fight within yourself will not win the war.
There comes a day and a time when this too shall pass, for you are stronger than you your present circumstance. It may seem like an eternity of hell but there comes a day when it all ends. I stand in solidarity with you. I stand as a living testament as I am a thriving survivor of severe childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse.
“When the human rights of one woman is violated, all women better get busy, for the human rights of all women is in jeopardy….. If I can use the debris of my life to make a difference, work for change and help just one woman to survive and prevent violence against the Girl Child then what happened to me was not in vain.
So here’s my call to you beautiful women (and men), struggling day to day in the midst of the darkest part of your life:
You’ve got this. You do. The burden of your pain may feel like you’re drowning at times. You aren’t alone. Find your “Ivan” (be it a romantic relationship, or just that friend who cheers you through!) Keep talking about it until you find someone who believes you and brings your heart peace. You are a beautiful soul who is surviving a fate worse than death. But you are SURVIVING! And when it’s too overwhelming to take a day at a time, take an hour or a minute at a time. You are loved.
It will get better. Don’t give up. You’ve got this”.
I was young and looking for love. We think we know what love is. For me he was tall and handsome, a complete gentleman, said and did all the right things. I had just ended a relationship and thought this was Mr. Right, but I was wrong.
It took almost ten years before I could muster up the courage to leave for good. I was tired of the licks, the embarrassment, the disappointments, the hurt and the pain. I spent many nights in tears, wondering how this could happen to me and thinking about my children’s future. I was isolated from family and friends and always tried to paint a good picture, but couldn’t hide what he did. The blue and black eyes and swollen face did not go unnoticed. One day a relative said, “Why don’t you just leave?” I contemplated and then answered, “There is no way out”. Little did she know how many times I left, stayed in a safe house, even took out a restraining order, but he always found me and convinced me that it was in my interest and the children’s best interest to return. With no help and real support, I went back and every time it got worst.
One day after a baseball bat beating and being locked in my home like a prisoner for days, I decided it was time to break free or make up my mind to die. I called out to God and he heard and delivered me. The next morning I fought my way amidst kicks and cuffs ran out the door to my freedom. Today I thank God for life and all he has done for me. He restored me completely. I encourage all women to recognise the red flags and don’t wait until it is too late. Tell someone, seek advice, get help. There are many reasons to stay but there are better reasons to leave. Life is precious and so are you!